Certain events in our lives are never forgotten. Emotional reaction may not be as strong, but the memory of that event and experience remains. A certain sound, smell, or date on the calendar may move the memory from the back of our mind to the forefront of our thoughts.
But often the event is so embedded in our heart that it never goes away. This is the story of someone who never stops thinking about the decision he made as a frightened young man.
He was 19, she was a little older. This was his first serious relationship and within just a few months of being intimate she told him she was pregnant. Hearing those words “scared the crap out of him” and “he was really frightened” but he sensed she was excited, at least that’s what he remembers.
His mind immediately went to abortion, so she asked him, “you mean you want me to have a killing?” She was scared and didn’t want to do it, she even talked about moving away but instead he talked her into it. He was incessant “this is what we have to do”.
Looking back he’s not quite sure why he was so scared, maybe it was being 19, maybe it was not having a good paying job, or because he was living with a relative. He’s not sure why, he just knows he was scared.
As they were driving to the clinic, he remembered how scared she was, but she put on a brave face. Inside the clinic, yes, he went in with her, he couldn’t get over how many girls were there for an abortion, the place was packed.
After the procedure he drove her home and stayed with her. He did care about her, but no one else knew what had happened and he didn’t want her to be alone. The relationship continued but eventually, as often happens, they went their separate ways and started on the path of a different life.
Many years later he happened to be in the same town she lived in, so he called her with the intent to apologize to her, “it was important” he apologize to her. He stopped by her house and met her family, they talked. Just general chit chat and catching up. As she walked him to his car he apologized, over and over for what he had made her do.
Graciously she forgave him and reminded him that God had also forgiven him.
As he reflects on that conversation with her, he understands with his head that God forgave him, but he can’t quite understand how God could forgive something so awful.
He knows he can’t forgive himself because of the impact it had on her and the unborn child. “Making her do that put the same scar on her as it did on me”.
He believes there is nothing anyone can say that will help him reconcile what he did, and he wonders if perhaps “this is his thorn in his side”. (ref. 2 Cor. 12:7).
What he does know is that he lives with his decision, thinking about it almost daily, wondering about the child that should have been.
Given the chance, he would advise anyone facing this same situation of the impact it will have on the rest of their life. “They will never stop thinking about the child that could have been”.
Forgiveness was given to him, but it is something that he struggles with accepting. For him the memory of what he did will not fade!
Just like that young woman he drove to the clinic over 40 years ago, he too wears a brave face every day so no one else sees his pain!
We’re here to help!
** If you or someone you know has experienced the pain of abortion, please know there is forgiveness, hope and healing. Rachel’s Vineyard is a healing retreat for men and women. Right to Life of Kern County offers a post-abortive Bible study for women, and is working on a Bible study for men. If you or your church are interested in helping with the men’s study, of if you need more information please contact Judy at 661-864-7508.